Therapeutic Homeschooling

Eight Months Down the Road

2007-02-28T17:44:00.000-08:00

My daughter has been in residential treatment for almost eight months now. She is doing very well. Her grades are very good and she is putting out a lot of effort in school. Her behavior is good in the house and she doesn’t lose control of herself often (rarely).

The only problem is, she’s holding on so tight and trying to hard to “be good” that she isn’t letting out real, authentic feelings. Thankfully the staff understands this and continues to push her to be “real” with her feelings.

We see her just about every month and our visits have been very fruitful. We have been able to spend good time together, enjoying each other as well as spend time in therapy working on the hard stuff. The last visit I went alone, both of us nervous to be together after 7 months never being alone with each other. Things turned out quite well thanks to her brave therapist who insisted I come even when I was scared, and pushed us to do some good, deep mother/daughter work. I’m really glad I went; it was well worth the time and effort it took to get over my concerns.

She is learning to rope and ride on a horse! She is studying much of what we studied last year at home so she’s a bit ahead in school of some kids and probably behind in others. I have been impressed with her ability transition into a more mainstream type of school from homeschooling and do well. She takes tests and does homework and puts out a lot of effort.

At home, well, we are finding that not all our problems were because of her issues, but perhaps many of our personal and couple problems that are raising their heads are due to all the years to dealing with her first, who knows. But my husband and I are working on ourselves in therapy and making strides. We hope to be as healthy as her by the time she comes home.

Our First Visit to New Mexico!

2006-08-31T17:27:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow we leave to go visit my daughter for the first time since she has been in New Mexico. It’s been a long time, about 8 weeks. She is very excited to have us visit. I’m a bit nervous. I don’t want to be as sad as I was the when we took her, that was so, so hard! And I’m afraid of her showing her “normal” behaviors like she had at home…..she hasn’t been doing that much there.

I’m excited to see her though. I miss her so much!

She has already come a long way. She is generally much calmer and more “together” when we talk to her in the evenings. She finally let down from saying everything was “OK” or “Fine” and started to really tell us how she was feeling about things there. She hasn’t said anything about how she feels about being there yet.

My son is doing quite well at home without her. He is truly blossoming and coming into his own. I do see behaviors he learned from her and we are working on those. The good thing is that he learns from experience, listens, and understands when he has stepped over the line.

I am getting used to just one child around, I get bored! Amazing!

We started homeschooling this week and had 2 good, productive days. Then he and I both got sick (again, this is my third ‘cold/flu’ in 3 weeks!) so we are just taking care of ourselves now. I am excited about school for my son this year. He will get a good solid year of first grade, a very special year, totally focused on him and his work. I will miss doing the more challenging work of 6th grade but that will come in due time.

Karen

Things are going well

2006-07-24T17:00:00.000-07:00

Well, everyone keeps asking how Sutton is doing. She is doing so well! She is really holding it together at the school. They know and we know that she will blow up sooner or later. We are shocked she has held on for this long. She must like it a lot to keep a stiff upper lip and not be getting mad at anyone!

It’s been hard to have her gone, but on the other hand my son and I are having a great time. He is really coming out of his shell. He is able to play and just have fun and doesn’t have to worry what’s going on between mom and sister anymore. I can see him relaxing.

I am doing well also. Even though I miss her, I know she is being very well taken care of, is in good nurturing hands and that everyone is prepared for her difficult times. In fact they are waiting with baited breath for her to get mad or have some feelings she is willing to express so they can get started on the path of working with her issues. They are working with her on boundaries (yeah! She doesn’t have any!) and are beginning to not let her just be happy and have a smile on all the time, but pushing her to react to things that should upset her.

We are about to leave on our trip to Disney World. It will be weird to go without her but Jack and I should have fun while Dad is working at a trade show. Jack and I both will celebrate our birthdays at Disney World! I hope Mickey will give me a kiss.

I am beginning to think about planning for next year’s homeschooling with Jack. It will be interesting to just have one child to deal with. We should get though first grade quite well!

Karen

The clock is ticking

2006-06-25T09:04:00.000-07:00

The clock is ticking, tick, tick, tick……..we just have one week left before we take our daughter to New Mexico. She will be in a residential treatment center there where she will finally receive the help she needs and wants. She is excited about the horses and goats, but I know deep down she is scared and worried about being gone from home for so long. And I am scared and worried too. Is this the right decision, are we doing this the right way, will she be forever hurt by our doing this? Will she be happy, will she quickly make friends, and will they like her? Will she return to us a happy, loving empathetic joyful child….who we all know is in there deep down just waiting to burst out?

One thing I have realized is how her birth mother was able to make the choice to place her for adoption. I have always wondered how someone could do that; give their child to someone else. I knew in my head that it was a beautiful act of unselfish love; I just couldn’t ever imagine me doing it. Now, I know…..I am choosing to place my child with these people in New Mexico because it is the right thing for my child, maybe not for me, but for her. Of course, it’s not the same thing….I’m not giving up my rights as her parent, I will visit her often and talk to her daily, she will return to me…no doubts about it. But it’s still a hard, hard choice to make and I am making for her sake, because I love her more than I ever imagined I could love anyone.

So, our last week is full of play dates, a trip to an amusement park, favorite foods, swimming, playing and having as much fun together as possible.

But, this time has also been a time for reflection, quiet promises between us, hugs, asking for trust, and loving each other.

I’ll let you know how it all goes after next week.

With love in my heart,
Karen

The more things change....

2006-05-02T20:45:00.000-07:00

The more things change the more they stay the same!

Tomorrow is Sutton’s birthday, she’s turning 11. Things haven’t changed, she’s gone back to all the difficulties she had before she went off to boarding school (for a week). We are struggling to get school done.

We are now using an educational consultant to find a residential treatment center for her. It’s a hard decision to make, but I think it will be best. We will find a place that can work on her meds, her behavior and bring her back to us soon as the loving, kind, generous little girl she is inside.

More than one person has said to me in the last week or two that it’s not good for her to be doing such damage to her relationships with those she most loves and needs, her family. We must find a way for her to get help so that she can enjoy being with us and we can enjoy being with her. We are all tired of fighting, arguing and finding out we have been lied to.

I want to trust her, enjoy her and feel able to engage her in life in a way that means we all are having fun and can be carefree. I want my son to enjoy life and have fun and not be worried about his mom and sister arguing. I want my husband to have the weight lifted off his shoulders, feel a lightness that he deserves so he can work and enjoy his career without worrying about what’s going on at home. And, selfishly, I want to wake up and know that I won’t be angry that day. Have time to do some of the wonderful crafts I have learned lately. Laugh, play, garden, without having to argue about it!

Most of all, I want Sutton to experience life as a positive, wonderful thing that is full of wonder and joys every day.

Karen

Boarding School Results

2006-04-14T08:58:00.000-07:00

Sutton went to boarding school and she did great except she was very homesick. Anyway, she had some problems near the end of the week and we had to go and get her on Sunday. It doesn't look like she will be going back. It's a long story, but suffice it to say that it looks as if I'm the only one who can manage her day in and day out. It was just too disruptive to the school once she had just one meltdown. I think they and we had some beliefs that it would work but when push came to shove, they weren't able to handle a personality as strong as hers.

So we are, once again, looking for a "new normal" here at the Petz house. Craig and I are very disappointed that this didn't work out. It was hard and sad to have her go away to school but we so hoped that she would be successful there and get the help she needs. Now it's just up to me I guess.

Things are rocky here at best. She has good days and bad days, and the psychiatrist has had me lower her lithium so she is very irritable. I’m having good days and bad days too. And on the bad days, it’s pretty bad for me, depressed and not wanting to do anything. I so hoped that at least that week away from each other would change things somewhat. And it did at first. But now, she’s mean and angry and difficult to all of us.

Pray for us all!

Karen

Off to Boarding School

2006-03-25T20:08:00.000-08:00

On Monday we take our daughter to boarding school. We are all excited to see her have this chance. The school is so on target for her and what she needs. And, thankfully, she wants to go, is excited to go!

We aren’t excited to not have her at home, but we are sure we are doing what is best for her. I know of other parents who have had to send their child to a residential treatment center because the child just couldn’t live at home any longer. They were too disruptive, to aggressive, too angry, and too dangerous for the others in the home. I am so thankful that this is not the case in our home. We are all on board; all feel this is best for her.

So tomorrow we pack and label clothes and get everything together.

Monday we leave for school and should be home by Monday evening.

I pray that it will go smoothly, that she will settle in quickly and that we will all adjust well.

I look forward to spending time with my son, homeschooling him and just enjoying him in a more peaceful atmosphere. It’s time he had time with mom that isn’t dominated by his sister.

So, that’s where we are right now. Preparing, anxious, excited, looking forward to success!

Karen

The more things stay the same, the more they change!

2006-03-01T09:15:00.000-08:00

We have found a wonderful Waldorf boarding school that works with special needs children only. We are waiting to hear from them about whether or not they will accept our daughter. We are on pins and needles, and the wait is hard.

OK, so I’m the big “homeschool your bipolar child” person, and I still believe this. But, we have reached a point where my daughter needs more help than I can give her. I am humbled to admit this. I didn’t want to admit this. It pains me to admit this. But there it is.

I love her with all my heart and this is why I am choosing to send her to a boarding school. It’s MY sacrifice……to not have her at home. She is excited (most days). This school works deeply in Waldorf, special dynamics, movement, academics, etc. She will have the opportunity to “get better”, perhaps to lower her medicine (a lot). I believe in my gut we are doing the right thing, and I think she knows this.

I thank God that I do not have to send her off to school not wanting to go…..so far she wants to go. It’s an adventure, but she also knows it’s a chance to get better.

I have given her all I have to give……and it isn’t enough. She and I have come to an impasse on her school work and her basic life skills learning.

While she goes to this school I will be auditing the Remedial program at Rudolf Steiner College (and perhaps some of the foundation year also). That way, when she comes home, I will be better prepared to help her.

Lest anyone think I am selling out…..I’m not, I’m giving her a gift of a chance to get better, learn to get along, and do it in a beautiful Waldorf setting on a farm, with just a few other kids (only 18 in the school and only 6 who are boarders). She will continue to have the one-on-one attention she gets from me. But they have a staff of people who can help her, and I am but one.

Karen, bittersweetness lingers in our home right now.

Sorry for my Silence

2006-02-19T10:30:00.000-08:00

I have been silent for a while. Sorry, but circumstances have kept me quiet.

Live goes on, things are going ok here but busy. It’s tax season and so my husband is working a lot. That means I am working overtime at home doing all the parenting duties. It happens every year but every year I get tired and worn out and cranky.

Today I am taking my own mental health day from church. My husband just left with the kids and won’t be back till after lunch sometime. So I’m going to post this to my blog and get to work on preparing for my meeting with the charter school on Tuesday and planning for the next week of school. A luxury I rarely get to do alone while the sun is up!

We just got a new puppy that is only 6 weeks old. She’s a cutie but needs to be watched every minute of the day to get her to go potty outside!!! It’s like having a baby again. But the kids are helping.

Baseball and Softball seasons are starting. Sutton is already practicing for softball and Jack starts this week. My husband is the coach for his team so we’ve been busy with all the preparations.

February burn out has hit for homeschooling. We are all wishing for spring (well, not March as Sutton always gets worse in March) but spring will be nice. We will be able to go outside more and enjoy the sunshine.

I’m tired of trying to get everyone doing the right things and feeling very guilty for not doing it! I’m trying to let go of my guilty and see all that we do and how much the kids are doing and learning.

Have a wonderful Sunday,
Karen

New Schedule

2006-01-23T21:18:00.000-08:00

New Schedule
Well, our new rules and consequences are working out pretty well. It’s been tough going but the going is getting a bit easier! And our new schedule is also going pretty well.

Today I got up almost on time!

Even though we got started late (just a bit) for school both my ds and my dd got lots of good work done with me. I am now working pretty much individually with them so they get good solid one on one time. My dd was in a good mood and was enjoying working on state maps while my ds and I worked on math with manipulatives (nuts). I kept trying to stop with him and get him to do some written work but he kept begging for just one more problems!! I love it when this stuff works so well. And all the while my dd was making 8 state maps…..all the states that touch the great lakes. She was having a great time. I have to say it wasn’t the most beautiful or creative work (not her fault), but this year for her doesn’t seem to have had enough of that in it.

We had our regular knitting time with friends and then play time. That was a nice addition to our day and nice that we were through with our school time so the kids could play and I didn’t have to worry about getting them to do more work later!

Early evening I made a new menu plan and shopping list!

I’m getting too organized?? Maybe not! I need the structure, it’s just so hard to create it, hold it and keep it going. Trying to do it with a child that might rage at any moment in time is hard. It’s easier to give up! But I’m trying very, very hard to not give up or in, but to just keep pushing on.

Karen

Rules and Consequences

2006-01-19T20:40:00.000-08:00

We are working on a new schedule. My daughter and son are agreed on the schedule and it goes in ½ hour increments from getting up at 7:15am to lights out at 8:00pm! We are all working to stay on schedule but it’s hard.

We are also working on a set of rules that have consequences (good and bad….follow the rules get good consequences, don’t follow get bad consequences). I’ve always hated consequences because I believe they need to “fit the crime” and it’s hard to find a consequence for a kid being rude other than not wanting to be around them and that seems a bit extreme. But now the consequences are spelled out and we are sticking to the rules. Today, day 1, was tough. My daughter pushed things to the point that all the consequences (bad ones) were used up before noon. Then she got mad and hurt me. Dad came and got her and took her off to cool down. She cooled down, came home and there were still arguments and problems, but I stuck to my guns. The consequences stayed in place. It was hard. It would have been so much easier to just say “fine go play outside” but I didn’t. By evening she was accepting that the consequences were there and staying.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring. I’m sure this won’t be easy and will take weeks to have an effect on her behavior. Who will last? Will she out last me? I hope not.

I hope to be able to get through to her so she can learn the life skills she needs to be a responsible adult. But I will say, this experience has gotten me to be able to tell her that I love her soul, her inner core no matter what, it’s her behavior I don’t like. And I took the time to make sure she “got that” as best a 10 year old can. So that was a successful outcome.

I think I need to talk much, much less and just let the rules speak for themselves. Perhaps duct tape would be a good idea for me!

Karen

Happy New Year!

2005-12-31T11:36:00.000-08:00

I am feeling re-energized about my website! I have added some new things, not big things but a few new things. Most importantly a link to an article in the Winter 2005 issue of Lilipoh about bipolar disorder. This article is based in Anthroposophy and deals with bipolar from every aspect. I highly recommend reading it. See my home page for a link.

On the “home front” we are still enjoying our Christmas break. Today we take down the tree. We don’t celebrate the 12 days of Christmas, however, I will research them for next year and perhaps we will alter our traditions! My son doesn’t want to ever take down the tree (what a great optimist he is). I promised we would leave the outside lights up until tomorrow.

Yesterday I did a load of planning. It doesn’t look like much but it is. I juggled our remaining blocks for the year and worked them all out….I just know something has gotten lost! And I fully planned out for next week and planned first grade for the next week. I have to develop a US Geography block for 5th grade! I haven’t ever developed an entire block by myself, without curriculum so I keep putting this one off. Perhaps if it comes out good I’ll post it on my website. An attempt at writing my own curriculum.

We are having a major storm here. It’s quite exciting as the wind is blowing (blew down the fence so the dogs will be out soon) and the rain is pelting down. I’m hoping it calms soon so I can go to the shed to get the Christmas boxes down to take down the tree.

Tonight we got to a New Year’s Eve party at my brother in law’s. Should be lots of fun. My 10 year old wants to stay up till midnight…..hmmmm…..I rarely make it till midnight on New Year’s Eve so we’ll see.

Happy New Year to everyone.

Karen

The day after Christmas

2005-12-26T20:34:00.000-08:00

The day after Christmas was a quiet one. We all slept late and most of us never got out of our pj’s! My son fell asleep while I reading him his bedtime story…….my husband is trying to get my daughter into bed. I’m breathing a bit deeper and better, calmer, ready to get up and get going tomorrow.

We had a wonderful Christmas. The kids got us up at 6:30am!! We opened gifts (everyone was pleased with their gifts) and then went off to church for the Christmas Pageant. My husband got to be a king as they were short on children.

After church we went to my brother-in-laws for leftovers from our Christmas Eve dinner at their house. As a family we all draw names and have a big gathering on Christmas Eve so the individual families can share “Santa” and Christmas morning with their children.

I must say that afterwards both children were cranky and crying. Tired, too much sugar, and probably overwhelmed and over stimulated.

So our quiet day today was a good and well needed one.

We did play Cranium, Family Edition and it was a great game! Even my 6 year old was able to play. We cooked chili in the crock (too much turkey lately!). We ran out of hot water so the kids went off to bed early.

Not too exciting but we all enjoyed the peace and quiet!

Karen

Resolution

2005-12-22T14:49:00.000-08:00

We heard from the birth mother yesterday! She was out of town and couldn’t get email. So all is well with the world. Actually, she sent a very nice note to my daughter and one separately to me about what caused her to not be able to call on the last birthday. She was honest and forth right and I appreciated that. She also was very respectful of my feelings and my daughter’s feelings.

So, she will call, and I think that is best for my daughter.

But the interesting thing is what this did for me. It truly showed me the triangle between the three of us. I saw how she is important to my daughter in ways that I don’t and probably can’t ever totally understand, and that’s ok. I think we all grew quite a bit over this experience.

Christmas is coming quickly and I’m recovering from a cold. So, once again, it isn’t going as I had hoped but it’s going. I think it will be a nice Christmas for all of us.

The kids will be in the Christmas pageant on Christmas day at 11am at church. The priest loves to do a Christmas day service with the children. Funny, at first it seemed hard to get up from all the presents and excitement and go to church, but then we all saw that the true reason for Christmas is to celebrate Jesus’ birth and what better way? And what better way to show your children the meaning of Christmas than to leave the glitter and excitement of new things and the fun of playing and sharing at home to go to church. To be willing to leave all the fuss behind to worship.

Karen

Venting a Bit

2005-12-21T09:12:00.000-08:00

I am so angry and disappointed. My daughter’s birth mother calls every Christmas and birthday and sends gifts. I guess I am usually the one to contact her about Christmas and let her know what my dd wants. This year I decided to leave it alone and see what happens. Mainly because last birthday she tried to call 3 times but never actually called. We set up time for her to call and she didn’t call. My dd was upset and hurt by this (I only told her about one appointment to call). Finally, I told her birth mother not to call as it was too far past the birthday.

So, the other day I decided I needed to prepare my dd for the fact that she might not call this Christmas. Well, that went over like a lead balloon……not too surprising. But finally my dd decided to send an email to her birth mother to tell her she forgave her for not calling and knew she was busy (for the birthday). She told her how much she missed her and loved her.

No response! Nothing! I am afraid that her birth mother is angry with me over the birthday issue, but I NEVER imagined she would take it out on my daughter. She does often do things at the last minute (gifts) but I am shocked that we haven’t heard from her at all.

Here’s my two cents: Most birth mothers are active in the baby’s life for a while…usually 2-3 years, rarely do they hang in there for 10 years. My dd’s birth mother is very unusual. She often gets upset with me over things I would never expect her to be upset about (unpredictable behavior). It’s probably time for my dd’s birth mother to fade away, but it’s been ten years and it’s going to be very painful for my daughter.

It makes me so sad to see her upset over her birth mother, but I am tired of keeping that relationship going.

Seeing a child, who is as sensitive as my daughter, so deeply hurt, as this could hurt her, breaks my heart. I hope things don’t get as bad for her as I can imagine. I hope she is old enough to understand. I also hope that I can be strong enough to help her through it without having to be disrespectful to her birth mother.

If you have a minute, say a prayer for my daughter to get through this without too much deep, deep hurt.

Karen

Getting Better!

2005-12-15T22:24:00.000-08:00

Things are getting better here! Even though my daughter is still arguing and being rude, I feel like everyone understands where I am with everything.

I had a long talk with my daughter yesterday and told her that her behavior has to stop. She cannot be rude to me, yell at me, or hit me anymore. I told her we are running out of options for her, everything from medication to ways to teach her school to ways to teach her how to behave. I have clearly come to see that she HAS to learn to be civil and even kind at home so that she can carry that to the outside world. I told her that I was afraid if she keeps going as she is now she will grow up and be mean to her husband and her kids, possibly even hit her children. I also told her that it’s my responsibility to make sure she learns to not do this.

She seemed to listen. Who knows, it will take a lot of patience on everyone’s part to teach her how to get along in the world. And it must begin at home!

I recently read “The Fairy Who Came to Our House” to the children. It is a story about a fairy that comes to the house of a very good girl who often forgets to do things she is supposed to do. The fairy spent a day reminding the little girl to do the things she was forgetting. And after a day, the fairy left for the girl had learned to do what she was told and what was expected of her (if only it took one day!). I keep thinking of this story, and realize that I am my daughter’s fairy! I have to teach her and remind her how to treat others.

We have discussed the “golden rule” so many times, but she doesn’t get it. Finally, yesterday she was complaining about her aunt who is often rude to her and yells at her, as she was talking it rushed over me to realize that what she was complaining about was exactly what she does to me. When she was done, I looked right in her eyes and said “That’s exactly the way you treat me.” She looked at me and said “really?” Did that sink in? Who knows? I hope to see changes, but I know it’s up to me to teach her.

So off I go teaching life skills to my 10 year old.

Karen

Necessary Changes

2005-12-10T23:29:00.000-08:00

ARGGGGHHHH! I’ve been so busy trying to keep our life on track; I haven’t had a chance to blog lately. Our life has been a bit hectic and difficult, as only the life of a family with a bipolar child can be!

We had a very serious, scary incident a couple of weeks ago involving physical violence by my daughter towards me. I think it scared us all enough to create some changes. What could we change? Well, a lot it seems:

My husband and I have had some very serious conversations about how to handle the violence as my daughter gets older, bigger and stronger….she is more than I can handle safely. We’ve shed lots of tears and done lots of soul searching.

We contacted Dr. Kiki Chang at Stanford (who we had seen once before) and were able to get in to see him for further evaluation. He suggested staying the course on her meds and increasing Tegretol which was just added. I have to say I was a bit disappointed that he didn’t have a magic bullet for me!

As my husband and I became a bit dysfunctional and things went downhill, I realized one day that I had to take the bull by the horns and make my own changes. I KNOW what needs to be done to help my daughter change her behavior, but it’s been difficult for me to be consistent in these changes. But here’s what I have managed to do so far (and it seems to be working):

I am doing my best to get up in the morning in a good mood and be cheerful with everyone. If I can’t pull it off one day, I make it known that I’m not having a good day so far and hope for some empathy from those around me.

I am focusing on getting breakfast before my kids first thing.

I’m not stressing over chores that cause arguments in the morning (keeping the morning happy). I’m making beds, straightening up and asking the kids to do what they seem to be capable of that day. So, if my daughter is whiny and complaining I’m not going to insist that she unload the dishwasher for me.

I’m trying to get school started by 9:30-10:00am and keep it moving along giving attention to each child as much as I can.

When difficulties, frustrations arise for either child I am trying to give them some extra help and understanding. Talking them through these difficulties and helping them to understand they can’t be perfect.

When my daughter gets too frustrated and starts to fall apart, I allow her to go to her room and do beading work which seems to calm her down.

I’m doing my best to see the day through. Try to complete the plans I have made for the day and get in the fun stuff as well as the academics.

I haven’t been at it long to say I’m a success, but I will say that the arguments have decreased significantly. There hasn’t been any physical violence. We are making progress with school work!

I think that starting the morning off on a positive attitude is the most important thing I have done! None of us are morning people around here; we would all sleep in till 9 or 10 if we could! So getting up seems to be the worst part of our day. But that’s just got to change and I’m working on it. I find that snuggles together, hugs, touching, morning kisses do the trick. And expecting less of the kids helps them and me. I can be a chore Nazi and it makes all of us cranky.

Don’t worry, be happy, seems to be my new goal!

Karen

Anger

2005-11-27T20:19:00.000-08:00

I’ve been reading about Anger lately. Working on a workbook for women dealing with anger, reading Love and Anger: the Parental Dilemma by Nancy Samalin, and thinking about my own anger with myself, my kids, others around me.

Now that I have children, it’s easier to get angry! Why is that? Is it because they “make me angry”? Is it that I finally have someone to let my anger out on? Is it normal for a parent to feel angry? Is it normal for anyone to feel angry?

I did lots of therapy around being able to release my anger and let it out. Many of us grew up being told that anger wasn’t good. My mother, when I was angry or feeling some emotion she didn’t feel comfortable with, would say “Oh Karen, you don’t feel like that!” or “Don’t be that way!” Now, could she have worked any harder to tell me that my feelings weren’t ok? She was always telling me I didn’t feel the way I felt. Crazy making.

Now I have children and I get angry all the time. I grew up not expressing my anger (and when I did people were amazed and scared….who knew what I might do, they hadn’t ever seen me angry!). I went through therapy to learn to express my anger and see that anger isn’t a bad thing, it won’t kill you, no one will leave you for being angry, people often want to “make it better” when you are angry. But my kids, well my child who is bipolar….my anger makes her even more angry; my son, when he sees me angry with him he tries to correct whatever is wrong (as most kids would).

So one child feeds my anger and I feed hers. The other child tries to “make it better” for me….do his chores, ask if it’s ok to have a cookie, etc.

What do I do with the one that feeds my anger? I am trying so hard to not show my anger (whoa, that takes me back) and I’m doing pretty well. I’m also trying NOT to let the little things, the unimportant things make me feel angry. I am working on staying neutral, not taking it personally, letting it ‘roll off my back’.

I’m also trying to not “poke back” when my dd makes me angry. And I’m pretty good at poking back! She knows my buttons and I know hers. I am trying to think before I speak….”Am I angry and just about to ‘get her back’ for whatever made me angry?”, “Is there a natural consequence for this behavior I can just let happen?”.

Every parent gets angry with their children. It’s what we do with it that matters. And, it’s whether we can say we are sorry when we get angry and it’s not called for or we do or say something we wish we hadn’t. How do they learn to apologize and do the right think if we don’t model it?

I’m trying so hard. It’s hard to manage a bipolar child and not be angry a lot. There is a lot to be angry with: just the fact that the child is bipolar (the why me syndrome), the things the child does when unstable (raging, destroying things, hurting others), the arguing with everything, the drain on your energy at the end of the day when you wish you could just go to bed but the day isn’t over, the anger at waking up so tired you want to pull the covers over your head, and the list goes on.

But I am trying to find the things I love. See the instability and honor it, try to understand it. Enjoy the good times. Find fun things to do that will let us all laugh. Enjoy all the wonderful moments when she is playing well with her brother, learning in school, hugging me because I look a bit down. She is such a loving and generous child. She brings joy to so many of us daily. There is a lot to find that I love.

Karen

More Progress

2005-11-12T11:18:00.000-08:00

Sometime this week I realized that I had to “take back my power” (which no one took away). We had this arrangement where my husband was going to handle all the problems with my daughter. Funny thing is…..after a few days he sounded like me…yelling at her and losing his patience among other things. Then he said he wasn’t going on a planned business trip because he couldn’t leave me alone with her! Well, that was the straw that broke the camel’s back for me!

I sat down with my daughter and told her we had to get along better and not have dad coming home and solving our problems. At that moment I took back my power and realized that I could handle her. After all, I’ve been handling her for 10 years!

So the rest of the week went well. We didn’t get all the school work done she needed to do but we got work done and we got through the rest of the week without needing Dad.

I think the new meds are working some, but she is still manic and still getting very upset over things. But it seems to be less her upset with me than her frustration or embarrassment about something.

So, progress is always good, even baby steps!

Karen

Challenges

2005-11-04T18:30:00.000-08:00

For the past few days I have been the challenge to my family. With the changes the therapist suggested, I have been struggling feeling unnecessary, angry, hurt feelings, sad, you name it!

Finally, I talked to my husband and we made a plan to work together and figure this stuff out. I'm excited. We are going to sit down tonight and go over all the things we do in a week (should take a while) and try to prioritize them and see how we can streamline work around the house to make more time for school time.

Seems we have been fitting school in around life, and our life can be so chaotic with a child that has bipolar disorder, that school takes a back seat to life. But we have to make school a priority and fit life in around it. Some might disagree with me, but you probably have children without serious mental illnesses!

So I got things done today. We are working with another family on Friday mornings to have circle time, recorder playing, and painting time. It's working out well. We may even expand our circle if others want to join in.

My son wants to be a cub scout.....but we have to see how that fits into our schedule.

One of the best things that I see coming from this is getting my husband involved in developing a rhythm, including regular bedtimes (he's already promised the kids a movie tonight so they will be up late), regular meals, regular school time at home.

I'm feeling much better!

Karen

Changes

2005-11-01T21:26:00.000-08:00

My dd is getting better, more stable with new medication, but still we struggle with discipline. My husband and I struggle with different methods, different consequences and the fact that nothing seems to work for long. Today we met with the therapist to see how we can better work together to help her learn.

The therapist was insistent that we have to stop her rude verbal abuse of me (and her brother). We actually came down to the old "Wait till your father gets home." approach! I was very hurt and upset by this, feeling that I cant' do it right but he can. I mean, I am with her 24 hours a day 7 days a week, I take her abuse daily. I am the one that REALLY knows how she acts with me, no one else but my son and me see her in true form because she won't do it in front of Dad or other people. So how can he know better how to deal with her?

Well, after a few tears and beating myself up for a while I realized that if I gave up disciplining her.....that's one less thing I have to do as the "bad guy" every day. Now I can't just let her get away with things, but I can tell her that she will need to talk to her Dad about "it" when he gets home from work. She can't call him at work, she must wait till he gets home. And if we can pull this off, then when he gets home, tempers should have cooled a lot and the consequences can be better applied.

Today she got mad at me and stormed out of the house saying she was going next door and would be back in time for dinner, I started to stop her but realized that I was angry and should just shut up. I let my husband know of her behavior, we discussed the consequences (cleaning up the kitchen after dinner to make up for being rude to mom). When he got home we had a nice dinner and after dinner he talked to her quietly about how she needed to apologize and that she had to clean the kitchen to make up for her behavior. There wasn't any crying, or screaming or rudeness!!!!

Did she clean the kitchen, well she emptied the dishwasher and thought she was done. Finally my husband had to tell her to put the dishes in the dishwasher and that my son would help. She was rude to her brother and so she lost her help!

And, by the way, she gave me a wonderful apology!

Will tomorrow be great, who knows? I hope so. I have to learn to walk away from her anger and rudeness. Let go of my anger, not take it personally. Go on with my day knowing that Dad will take care of the "bad guy" stuff later.

At fist I felt like I was admitting defeat and that he could do it better, but now I realize I have done this on my own for a long time and turning it over to Dad is best. He's bigger than me, she won't hit him. She might abuse him verbally but she won't get away with it.

How do I spell relief? D-a-d-d-y!

Karen

Perfection

2005-10-29T09:32:00.000-07:00

Here a portion of a post I put on Marsha Johnson's Waldorf list. It was written to a woman who wondered if she was the only one feeling that she wasn't providing a "perfect" Waldorf education to her children. I think the whole issue of guilt is very important and one that needs to be dealt with head on. I think that trying to provide the "perfect" Waldorf homeschool is a problem many of us struggle with. WE CANNOT BE PERFECT! So here is my response:

Are there others who worry about creating the "perfect" Waldorf education.......you can add me to that list and many moms I know who are using Waldorf at home. I feel that Waldorf is very "guilt inducing" if you allow it to be. We cannot achieve a Waldorf school at home because we only have 1, 2 or a few children and we don't have the training (well some of us don't) and some of our children need something different once in a while to help them over a bump, etc, etc, etc. And I imagine that there isn't a "perfect" Waldorf school out there either. There is so MUCH to pull from in Waldorf, I can't imagine any teacher or parent can use it all!

I can't/don't memorize stories for my children, sometimes I think the Grimm's stories are written so beautifully I want them to hear that beautiful language! I don't know much about Ancient India either! I have a home to clean and run and laundry to do and activities to get my children to. Some days I am lucky to work in some school work! Other days are beautiful, we have circle, we laugh, we play, we do our work, we bake bread......other days we struggle through 2 hours and then go our own way. That's homeschooling, isn't it?

And we are choosing to do this because we don't want "the old school" for our children, we want beauty, freedom, creativity and time to be children for them! So we almost have to become "super moms" to achieve it.

My dd has bipolar disorder and there are many days that we just can't get a lot done due to her moods. And my low energy level. Managing her bipolar disorder has to be a priority for all us in my house, it's sad because the rest of us miss out on some things, but it is the lot that we were given and she is a beautiful, generous, wonderfully smart child (it's often her intelligence that makes dealing with her the hardest) who deserves the best education I can give her. It ebbs and flows and I have to learn that it can't be "perfect". I was taught to be perfect, and I pay for that daily!

You are not alone!

Karen

Positive Movement

2005-10-23T09:18:00.000-07:00

As they say, the proof is in the pudding! Things are going so much better around here. I feel like we have found our "normal" again. It's not perfect but it never will be. But my daughter is back to being manic and happy. We experience fewer angry periods and she is much more fun to be around.

I think one of the hardest things about having a child that is bipolar is realizing that when they aren't stable they aren't a lot of fun to be around. In fact, to be honest, there are times you just don't like them very much. Love is always there, but liking them can be difficult at times. It's a hard confession to make but one that I think we all have to be honest about. So there, now I have said it!

And to top it off, my daughter's personality (even if she weren't bipolar) isn't one that resonates with mine. So I have the added challenge of "getting along" with someone that is really in many ways the opposite of me. I know I'm not alone in this venture, many parents produce children that are different from them, but when you add the bipolar on top, it's hard!

I have come to realize that bipolar or not, she is very extroverted (I'm introverted), she loves to move (dance, sing, just MOVE), she's outspoken (no secrets around here), she loves a crowd (not me!), and she is loud! Now, multiply that by 100% (or more) thanks to being bipolar and you have a very, very extroverted person who has difficulties filtering what they do, say and think. Couple that with a mom who is outspoken but carefully, likes to rebel secretly and quietly, is happy to stay at home alone all day and veg out, would rather sit than run and dance, and is usually very quiet (unless pushed to yell at her kids).

But you know what? When she isn't home the energy level goes down swiftly around here. My son is more like me than not. He and I could sit on the couch and just veg out together all day. So when she isn't home, it's sometimes too quiet around here. She certainly brings the energy to my home. Her attitudes and energy and her projects and excitement are sorely missed when she isn't here. She goes away to camp every year for a week and it's way quiet here. At first it's a nice change but when she comes home I'm so glad to see her! And not just because she is my daughter and I miss her, but because she is often the life of the party here!

And parties! Our family all lives on a big farm. Aunts, Uncles, cousins, grandparents, we are all here (separate houses). So every holiday is a big party (there are 17 of us)! And my daughter is always ready for a party. She plans, she waits, she wants to prepare and when it's here she can't wait to go to the 'Party House' (yes, my brother in law built a separate house for parties.....he's a bit extroverted himself). I go to the parties and enjoy myself but am always ready to go home.

Gee, I sound like a big party pooper! Anyway, she is the life of our party, daily! And her energy and excitement are strongly missed when she is visiting others.

So, as difficult as life with a bipolar child can be, it's also wonderful and exciting. And I can say that because we are back to manic but happy around here!

Karen

Getting Back To Normal (Whatever that is!)

2005-10-20T20:53:00.000-07:00

We may have discovered the problem in my daughter's medicine! I started her on some vitamins and supplements to help some physical problems she has and some recommended to help her nervous system. It dawned on me the other day that her aggressiveness, this time around, started about the time we started the supplements! I took her off of them, her physical problems returned, but the hitting and hurting behavior backed way off!

Then she was quite upset to put up with the physical issues and wanted the supplements back, so I gave them back and she flipped out on me, hitting, yelling, being very irrational. The big problem is that I don't know which supplements/vitamins are causing the problem! So I had to take her off all of them for a week then will re-introduce them one at a time, for one week at a time to see which one sets her off. I don't like doing this! It's scary for me and for her. Neither of us likes the times when she hits and hurts.

We are getting back to "normal" after being sick and unstable. We have had successful school days. I am being firm in my plan for the day, being flexible in allowing her to step back when she is frustrated, and trying to remain calm and not allow her to manipulate me with her behavior.

I am seeing my sweet daughter back again and that feels so good!

Karen

Absence

2005-10-13T12:05:00.000-07:00

I have been noticeably absent from this blog for a while. We are having difficult "bipolar" issues at home. Things have been going fine, although my daughter has been very manic. But this last week or two things have taken a turn for the worse. My daughter has gotten physically violent with me again. Last night was the worst, she was really out of touch with reality. It was not a good thing, at all.

We are making medication changes and that always causes her increased irritability and anxiety. Things have to get worse before they get better. I am hopeful that this medication change will work for her. We are increasing her lithium. It can be dangerous to increase it to a high level as lithium can became toxic and cause serious problems. But we know what to look for. And I have heard that many people, even children can tolerate a higher level than other people. I know the last time her level was high she was doing so well!

So, I am facing my own difficulties right now. Trying to manage a very precarious situation. And needing to take my own advice. That being, when your child isn't stable you can't expect to be able to homeschool them successfully. Your goal has to be stability for the child so that the home can be stable and the stress level decreases.

So, I'm making this my goal! I promise, it's time to listen to myself! We did have school time this morning and it was successful! She is working on some math worksheets and doing so happily. My son got some one-on-one time with me and we worked on number 11! He says it's his favorite number....that brought a smile to my face.

Karen