Eight Months Down the Road

My daughter has been in residential treatment for almost eight months now. She is doing very well. Her grades are very good and she is putting out a lot of effort in school. Her behavior is good in the house and she doesn’t lose control of herself often (rarely).

The only problem is, she’s holding on so tight and trying to hard to “be good” that she isn’t letting out real, authentic feelings. Thankfully the staff understands this and continues to push her to be “real” with her feelings.

We see her just about every month and our visits have been very fruitful. We have been able to spend good time together, enjoying each other as well as spend time in therapy working on the hard stuff. The last visit I went alone, both of us nervous to be together after 7 months never being alone with each other. Things turned out quite well thanks to her brave therapist who insisted I come even when I was scared, and pushed us to do some good, deep mother/daughter work. I’m really glad I went; it was well worth the time and effort it took to get over my concerns.

She is learning to rope and ride on a horse! She is studying much of what we studied last year at home so she’s a bit ahead in school of some kids and probably behind in others. I have been impressed with her ability transition into a more mainstream type of school from homeschooling and do well. She takes tests and does homework and puts out a lot of effort.

At home, well, we are finding that not all our problems were because of her issues, but perhaps many of our personal and couple problems that are raising their heads are due to all the years to dealing with her first, who knows. But my husband and I are working on ourselves in therapy and making strides. We hope to be as healthy as her by the time she comes home.

Our First Visit to New Mexico!

Tomorrow we leave to go visit my daughter for the first time since she has been in New Mexico. It’s been a long time, about 8 weeks. She is very excited to have us visit. I’m a bit nervous. I don’t want to be as sad as I was the when we took her, that was so, so hard! And I’m afraid of her showing her “normal” behaviors like she had at home…..she hasn’t been doing that much there.

I’m excited to see her though. I miss her so much!

She has already come a long way. She is generally much calmer and more “together” when we talk to her in the evenings. She finally let down from saying everything was “OK” or “Fine” and started to really tell us how she was feeling about things there. She hasn’t said anything about how she feels about being there yet.

My son is doing quite well at home without her. He is truly blossoming and coming into his own. I do see behaviors he learned from her and we are working on those. The good thing is that he learns from experience, listens, and understands when he has stepped over the line.

I am getting used to just one child around, I get bored! Amazing!

We started homeschooling this week and had 2 good, productive days. Then he and I both got sick (again, this is my third ‘cold/flu’ in 3 weeks!) so we are just taking care of ourselves now. I am excited about school for my son this year. He will get a good solid year of first grade, a very special year, totally focused on him and his work. I will miss doing the more challenging work of 6th grade but that will come in due time.

Karen

Things are going well

Well, everyone keeps asking how Sutton is doing. She is doing so well! She is really holding it together at the school. They know and we know that she will blow up sooner or later. We are shocked she has held on for this long. She must like it a lot to keep a stiff upper lip and not be getting mad at anyone!

It’s been hard to have her gone, but on the other hand my son and I are having a great time. He is really coming out of his shell. He is able to play and just have fun and doesn’t have to worry what’s going on between mom and sister anymore. I can see him relaxing.

I am doing well also. Even though I miss her, I know she is being very well taken care of, is in good nurturing hands and that everyone is prepared for her difficult times. In fact they are waiting with baited breath for her to get mad or have some feelings she is willing to express so they can get started on the path of working with her issues. They are working with her on boundaries (yeah! She doesn’t have any!) and are beginning to not let her just be happy and have a smile on all the time, but pushing her to react to things that should upset her.

We are about to leave on our trip to Disney World. It will be weird to go without her but Jack and I should have fun while Dad is working at a trade show. Jack and I both will celebrate our birthdays at Disney World! I hope Mickey will give me a kiss.

I am beginning to think about planning for next year’s homeschooling with Jack. It will be interesting to just have one child to deal with. We should get though first grade quite well!

Karen

The clock is ticking

The clock is ticking, tick, tick, tick……..we just have one week left before we take our daughter to New Mexico. She will be in a residential treatment center there where she will finally receive the help she needs and wants. She is excited about the horses and goats, but I know deep down she is scared and worried about being gone from home for so long. And I am scared and worried too. Is this the right decision, are we doing this the right way, will she be forever hurt by our doing this? Will she be happy, will she quickly make friends, and will they like her? Will she return to us a happy, loving empathetic joyful child….who we all know is in there deep down just waiting to burst out?

One thing I have realized is how her birth mother was able to make the choice to place her for adoption. I have always wondered how someone could do that; give their child to someone else. I knew in my head that it was a beautiful act of unselfish love; I just couldn’t ever imagine me doing it. Now, I know…..I am choosing to place my child with these people in New Mexico because it is the right thing for my child, maybe not for me, but for her. Of course, it’s not the same thing….I’m not giving up my rights as her parent, I will visit her often and talk to her daily, she will return to me…no doubts about it. But it’s still a hard, hard choice to make and I am making for her sake, because I love her more than I ever imagined I could love anyone.

So, our last week is full of play dates, a trip to an amusement park, favorite foods, swimming, playing and having as much fun together as possible.

But, this time has also been a time for reflection, quiet promises between us, hugs, asking for trust, and loving each other.

I’ll let you know how it all goes after next week.

With love in my heart,
Karen

The more things change....

The more things change the more they stay the same!

Tomorrow is Sutton’s birthday, she’s turning 11. Things haven’t changed, she’s gone back to all the difficulties she had before she went off to boarding school (for a week). We are struggling to get school done.

We are now using an educational consultant to find a residential treatment center for her. It’s a hard decision to make, but I think it will be best. We will find a place that can work on her meds, her behavior and bring her back to us soon as the loving, kind, generous little girl she is inside.

More than one person has said to me in the last week or two that it’s not good for her to be doing such damage to her relationships with those she most loves and needs, her family. We must find a way for her to get help so that she can enjoy being with us and we can enjoy being with her. We are all tired of fighting, arguing and finding out we have been lied to.

I want to trust her, enjoy her and feel able to engage her in life in a way that means we all are having fun and can be carefree. I want my son to enjoy life and have fun and not be worried about his mom and sister arguing. I want my husband to have the weight lifted off his shoulders, feel a lightness that he deserves so he can work and enjoy his career without worrying about what’s going on at home. And, selfishly, I want to wake up and know that I won’t be angry that day. Have time to do some of the wonderful crafts I have learned lately. Laugh, play, garden, without having to argue about it!

Most of all, I want Sutton to experience life as a positive, wonderful thing that is full of wonder and joys every day.

Karen

Boarding School Results

Sutton went to boarding school and she did great except she was very homesick. Anyway, she had some problems near the end of the week and we had to go and get her on Sunday. It doesn't look like she will be going back. It's a long story, but suffice it to say that it looks as if I'm the only one who can manage her day in and day out. It was just too disruptive to the school once she had just one meltdown. I think they and we had some beliefs that it would work but when push came to shove, they weren't able to handle a personality as strong as hers.
 
So we are, once again, looking for a "new normal" here at the Petz house. Craig and I are very disappointed that this didn't work out. It was hard and sad to have her go away to school but we so hoped that she would be successful there and get the help she needs. Now it's just up to me I guess.

Things are rocky here at best. She has good days and bad days, and the psychiatrist has had me lower her lithium so she is very irritable. I’m having good days and bad days too. And on the bad days, it’s pretty bad for me, depressed and not wanting to do anything. I so hoped that at least that week away from each other would change things somewhat. And it did at first. But now, she’s mean and angry and difficult to all of us.

Pray for us all!

Karen

Off to Boarding School

On Monday we take our daughter to boarding school. We are all excited to see her have this chance. The school is so on target for her and what she needs. And, thankfully, she wants to go, is excited to go!

We aren’t excited to not have her at home, but we are sure we are doing what is best for her. I know of other parents who have had to send their child to a residential treatment center because the child just couldn’t live at home any longer. They were too disruptive, to aggressive, too angry, and too dangerous for the others in the home. I am so thankful that this is not the case in our home. We are all on board; all feel this is best for her.

So tomorrow we pack and label clothes and get everything together.

Monday we leave for school and should be home by Monday evening.

I pray that it will go smoothly, that she will settle in quickly and that we will all adjust well.

I look forward to spending time with my son, homeschooling him and just enjoying him in a more peaceful atmosphere. It’s time he had time with mom that isn’t dominated by his sister.

So, that’s where we are right now. Preparing, anxious, excited, looking forward to success!

Karen